not the type of pain that most experience, but an agony I struggle to explain.
It’s like a huge hole in my chest and dull acting running through my veins.
It’s a crawling feeling beneath my skin, a crushing feeling deep within.
It’s the type of pain with no label or name,
That haunting pain you only know if you have felt the same.
It’s like grieving a loss, but no one has died,
Its feeling ashamed of your scars with nowhere to hide.
Its wanting to scream out aloud but having no voice,
Its struggling daily because you have no choice.
It’s the tormenting thoughts that keep you up a night,
The closed curtains, blocking out any light.
It’s the endless sorrow that suffocates you,
With no way of escape.
The desperation to run away and seek peace,
And all the what IF’s you must face.
Its drowning in the floods of tears,
That stain your skin.
Repeatedly healing the broken child and soothing her,
before the day begins.
It’s the silent tears that burn your eyes,
The quite words in your mind and practicing your goodbyes.
It’s the dread of the day that won’t go away…
No light at the end of the tunnel,
every single day.
The pain you want to free yourself from and learn to let go,
But don’t know how because it’s all you’ve ever known.
It’s the answering machine messages,
When no-one answers the phone.
It’s the feeling of being isolated and suffering alone,
That feeling that no-one truly understands…
It’s the washed-out dreams and forgotten plans.
It’s the battle with motivation,
strength and those lumps in your throat,
It’s life I battle with daily, my back against the ropes.
It’s reminding myself to say kind words to the girl in mirror…
To tell her I love her,
and I’ll always be with her.
It’s changing the voices that peck my head,
The ones that keep me a prisoner in my bed.
It’s having encouraging messages
from the new friend I’ve met.
The ladies group chats and laughter that helps me to forget.
It’s the friendly faces and kind and caring words,
The hugs, help, advice and support that cures.
It’s the time away from my thoughts doing positive things,
And all the joy and happiness those few hours bring.
It’s the non-judgmental friends who wipe away your tears,
Not afraid to share their own thoughts,
feelings and fears.
It’s going home feeling a weight has been lifted
and sleeping better at nights,
Its looking forward to our groups,
so now I pull open the curtains and let in the light.
I don’t have to disguise my pain and scars anymore …
Or fake a smile and say, “I’m okay” I feel a burden no-more.
It’s finally accepting my flaws and making peace with my heart,
It’s a few hours a week that makes me feel normal for once and that’s a start.
Its reigniting a part of me I thought was forever asleep,
But it awakes more with every new face that I meet.
I’m silencing the negative thoughts
and finally keeping shit real,
Its learning “I CAN” change my future and that’s a big deal
Its letting go of the hurt and the pain,
Like soap to a stain,
washing away the memories, stigma and blame.
Its accepting each day will change,
to say I’m having a shitty day today,
But reminding myself it’s temporary and I can start over again.
It’s opening up and pouring it out,
no longer hurting myself, or needing to shout.
It’s Caring for each other and being there for our friends,
When times get hard, that’s heals and mends.
It’s sharing our life stories and not being alone,
And finally having someone at the end of the phone.
It’s having a place where we feel we belong,
The weekly quizzes and hilarious sing songs.
It the tears of laughter and our stomachs that hurt,
Having these precious moments that genuinely work.
To opening new doors
and no longer feeling the urge to run away,
Instead I look forward to seeing my friends from ladies group…
which is the highlight of my day.
I can’t find the words to say how grateful I feel,
To be a part of an amazing group of ladies that are genuine and real.
I am inspired and adore you for all the strength that you have,
From dealing with your own problems
yet helping others when they feel sad.
I just want to remind you how wonderful and remarkable I think you all are,
the reason ladies group is a success,
the credit goes to you all,
this is a personal dedication to you…
ladies group… the true superstars!! forever in my heart…
By Vicky
Ladies Group Member